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Jokes about René Descartes

I Think, Therefore I Am
- René Descartes

Joke #1
Rene Descartes was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink. He replied, "I think not." And he vanished.

Heisenburg was also sitting at the bar. After Descartes vanished in a puff of smoke, the bartender walked over to him and asked, "Did you see that?" To which Heisenberg replied, "I can't be certain."

The bartender then noticed Einstein was there. So he asked him if he could believe what had happened. Einstein replied, "It's all relative."

Then the bartender noticed that Carl Sagan was there. He walked over to him and asked, "Can you believe that all these famous people are here in THIS bar?" Sagan replied, "No. Why there must be BILLIONS and BILLIONS of bars out there."


Joke #2
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.


Joke #3
Did you know that Rene Descartes met the Hunchback of Notre Dame?

They were both visiting Paris, and met on a ferry crossing the famous river. Somehow Quasimodo fell overboard. He disappeared under the water because of the weight of handbells he was carrying on his belt.

As Descartes began a rescue, he shouted, "Quasimodo, I see where you are," and plopped on his coordinates.

He found Quasimodo was already headed toward shore. He seemed to be running across the bottom, but then Descartes saw he was dancing!
Descartes signed to him: "What are you doing that for?" Quasimodo signed back, "Save yourself! I'm happy. I'm just Ringing In The Seine!!"

So Rene reached the shore by bobbing up and down. An onlooker asked, "How did you do that?"
"I'm a Cartesian diver," replied Descartes. "I realize, 'I sink.' Therefore I swam."
---- This story pasted together by Ian Ellis.


Joke #4
Godel can't prove he was here.
Descartes thought he was here.

Joke #5
Rene was busy putting the last touches to a lavish table spread with all sorts of goodies at the annual Descartes' New Year's Party. guests arrived and Rene was mingeling with them and astounding them with his alacrity of thought, when Mrs. Descartes called to him to take out the special New Year's meat pies.

He placed them on a sideboard away from the main table -- intended for the traditional post midnight revel repast.

Still mingeling he espied a hungry guest ranging over toward the meat pies. Like a flash he was upon him.

"Not now Monsieur, he cried, "I think they're for 1 a.m.!"

That's it for the jokes, now who is René Descartes?

René Descartes (March 31, 1596 – February 11, 1650), also known as Renatus Cartesius (latinized form), was a highly influential French philosopher, mathematician, scientist, and writer. Dubbed the "Founder of Modern Philosophy", and the "Father of Modern Mathematics", much of subsequent western philosophy is a reaction to his writings, which have been closely studied from his time down to the present day. His influence in mathematics is also apparent, the Cartesian coordinate system used in plane geometry and algebra being named after him, and he was one of the key figures in the Scientific Revolution.

Descartes's theory provided the basis for the calculus of Newton and Leibniz, by applying infinitesimal calculus to the tangent problem, thus permitting the evolution of that branch of modern mathematics. This appears even more astounding considering that the work was just intended as an example to his Discours de la méthode pour bien conduire sa raison, et chercher la verité dans les sciences (Discourse on the Method to Rightly Conduct the Reason and Search for the Truth in Sciences, known better under the shortened title Discours de la méthode).

Descartes's rule of signs is also a commonly used method in modern mathematics to determine possible quantities of positive and negative zeros of a function.

Descartes invented analytic geometry, and discovered the law of conservation of momentum. He outlined his views on the universe in his Principles of Philosophy.
One of Descartes most enduring legacies was his development of Cartesian geometry, the algebraic system taught in schools today - essentially he invented graphs and graph paper. He also created exponential notation, indicated by numbers written in what is now referred to as superscript (x2).

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Science Jokes : Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Richard Feynman : It didn't cross the road to the other side. It actually came back to where it started but was momentarily moving backward in time.
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Taken from : Surely you are joking, Mr. Feynman!

Nicolaus Copernicus : Despite the evidence of you senses I can show that it is mathematically simpler to describe it as the road passing under the chicken.

Archimedes
A1 : To actualize its potential.
A2 : She was buoyant and excited at the thought of new adventures.
A3 : Eureka!

Andre Ampere : To keep up with current events.

Alexander Graham Bell : To get to the nearest phone.



Why did the chicken cross the road?

Werner Heisenberg
A1 : We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
A2 : It was uncertain if it could make it, but wanted to try on general principles.
A3 : Because the chicken is moving very fast, you can either observe the chicken or you can measure the chicken, but you cannot do both.
A4 : We could tell you how it crossed the road, but we couldn't tell you where.

Robert Boyle : She had been under too much pressure at home.

Marie Curie : She was radiating with enthusiasm as she crossed the road.

Albert Camus : It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

C. J. Doppler : For its effect on passer-bys.



Why did the chicken cross the road?

Thomas Edison : She thought it would be an illuminating experience.

Karl Gauss : Because of the magnetic personality of the rooster on the other side.

Hawking
A1: The first seconds made the universe in such a way that chickens cross the road.
A2: There exist numerous parallel universes in which the same chicken is in differing stages of crossing the road. Only when one of the chickens has completed crossing the road do their ave functions coallesce.

Albert Einstein : Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your point of view. The chicken did not cross the road - it transcended it.

Gustav Hertz : Lately, its been crossing with greater frequency.





Why did the chicken cross the road?

Galileo : To get a better look at the stars.

Johannes Kepler : He crossed in an arc, not a straight line.

Lemaître : He crossed with a big bang.

Newton
1) Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
2) It was pushed on the road.
3) It was pushed on the road by another chicken, which went away from the road.
4) It was attracted to a chicken on the other side of the road.

Ohm : There was more resistance on this side of the road.



Why did the chicken cross the road?

Pascal : It was pressured to cross the road.

Wolfgang Pauli : There already was a chicken on this side of the road.

James Watt : It thought it would be a good way to let off steam.

Zeno of Elea : To prove it could never reach the other side.

Stephen Jay Gould : It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behaviour, and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviours that figure most prominently in sociobiological speculation.




Why did the chicken cross the road?

Aristotle
A1 : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
A2 : The other side of the road was its natural place.
A3 : To actualize its potential.

Immanuel Kant : The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

Jean-Paul Sartre : In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Jean Foucault : It didn’t. The rotation of the earth made it appear to cross.

Nietzsche : Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Jokes : Darwin - Evolution - Creationist

Below are jokes about Darwin, evolution and creationist. I collected them from many great sites on the internet, links are at the bottom of this post. Enjoy!

• Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division.
  

• Why did the chicken cross the road?
  Darwin1: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
  Darwin2: The fittest chickens cross the road.
  

• How do you identify a bald eagle?
  All his feathers are combed over to one side.
  

• Three freshman-engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.
  One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.
  Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and pulleys is ingenious.
  "No," the third student said, "you're both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste line through a recreation area?"
  

• One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orang-utan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's The Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?
  "Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
  

• Q: what do you call the leader of a biology gang?
  A: The nucleus.
  

• Did you hear about the biologist who had twins? She baptized one and kept the other as a control.
  

• A Charles Darwin anecdote:
  
  Charles Darwin saw a beetle and picked it up. He saw a second and picked that one up in the other hand. He then saw a third one, which he really wanted. Not knowing what to do, he shoved one of the ones he was holding into his mouth in order to pick up the third one. The one in the mouth emitted some kind of stuff which made him spit out the beetle and also lose the other two.
  

• Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
  

• Q: How do you tell the sex of a chromosome?
  A: Pull down its genes.
  

• "In Science the credit goes to the man who convinces the world, not to the man to whom the idea first occurs."
  
  – Sir Francis Darwin (1848-1925, English botanist, son of Charles Darwin), In: Eugenetics Review (April 1914, "Francis Galton")
  

• An unemployed biologist got a new job at the zoo. They offered him to dress up in a gorilla's skin and pretend to be a gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.
  On his first day on the job, the guy puts on the skin and goes into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring.
  During one acrobatic attempt, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help!"
  The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!"
  

• Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
  

• Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should
  

• I love fools' experiments; I am always making them. – Charles Darwin
  

• LADIES & GENTLEMAN !!!!
  IT'S THE BATTLE OF THE MILLENIUM !!!!
  CREATION VS. EVOLUTION!!!
  
  This is going to be a caged, no holds barred match, to the death!!!!
  
  In one corner we have EVOLUTION, who brings with it an assortment of weapons, including : records, fossils, actual proof, and even a bit of faith and belief.
  
  In the other corner we have CREATION, who brings---wait a minute, CREATION is pulling something from out of a sack, it's a....it's a.... It's a book ?!? CREATION has brought a book to use in battle. And yes a bit of faith & belief.
  
  It's unbelievable the way they are going at each other folks ! It's a battle royal. Who will win this grudge match? Who will suffer from their loss? We may never know. Let's watch & see, and pray ours is the victorious one, which ever that may be.
  

• Ovulation versus cretinism
  
  Two different theories exist concerning the origin of children: the theory of sexual reproduction, and the theory of the stork. Many people believe in the theory of sexual reproduction because they have been taught this theory at school.
  
  In reality, however, many of the world's leading scientists are in favour of the theory of the stork. If the theory of sexual reproduction is taught in schools, it must only be taught as a theory and not as the truth. Alternative theories, such as the theory of the stork, must also be taught.
  
  Evidence supporting the theory of the stork includes the following:
  
  1. It is a scientifically established fact that the stork does exist. This can be confirmed by every ornithologist.
  
  2. The alleged human foetal development contains several features that the theory of sexual reproduction is unable to explain.
  
  3. The theory of sexual reproduction implies that a child is approximately nine months old at birth. This is an absurd claim. Everyone knows that a newborn child is newborn.
  
  4. According to the theory of sexual reproduction, children are a result of sexual intercourse. There are, however, several well documented cases where sexual intercourse has not led to the birth of a child.
  
  5. Statistical studies in the Netherlands have indicated a positive correlation between the birth rate and the number of storks. Both are decreasing.
  
  6. The theory of the stork can be investigated by rigorous scientific methods. The only assumption involved is that children are delivered by the stork.
  

• Scientists and God
  
  One day a group of Darwinian scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one Darwinian to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
  
  The Darwinian walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
  
  God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the Darwinian was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the Darwinian happily agreed.
  
  God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
  
  The Darwinian said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
  
  God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!!!!"
  

• Evolution is God's way of issuing upgrades.
  Evolutionism: The speciocity of speciation!
  

Still not convinced about evolution?

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credit :
http://www.juliantrubin.com/
http://jokes4all.net/
http://www.ananthapuri.com/

Heisenberg : uncertainty principle

• Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop.
  The cop says, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
  Heisenberg says, "No, but I know where I am."
  

• You've perhaps seen or heard of old inns that have plaques on the wall of a room saying, for example: "George Washington slept here."
  Well, There's apparently an inn in Germany with their own plaque.
  It says: "Heisenberg may have slept here."
  

Werner Karl Heisenberg was born on 5th December, 1901, at Würzburg. One of the founders of quantum mechanics, and become famous with his uncertainty principle :

"The more precisely the POSITION is determined,
the less precisely the MOMENTUM is known"

Einstein's theory of relativity

Einstein's theory of relativity :

Two hairs in my cup of coffee is too much.
Two hairs on my head is too less.